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THE WALL

December 4, 2012

I’ve been quiet for a while, I know. That’s the way I deal with stress. My writing mindset goes out the window and I agitate inside. That’s where I’ve been. Inside.

I’m so fortunate. I live in one of the most gorgeous countries in the world – Wales. The view I’m looking at right this minute is of rolling hills, munching sheep, and even blue sky, which is unusual for Wales considering that the rivers have overflowed their banks in most parts of the country because of all the rain we’ve had.

My house is anyone’s dream — full of rooms that we don’t even use. Paul’s man-cave is two floors below my writing room and we communicate via Skype. Our dog (yes, I succumbed!) snores nearby and my bathtub is large, deep and full of hot water and relaxing bubbles when I need it to be. So what’s my problem? I’m standing in front of that proverbial wall again and don’t know if I have the strength to climb over it.

It first happened about six months after we got here. Maybe it’s my hormones, or lack of. Maybe it’s my emotions sneaking up to the surface. Maybe it’s just a simple lack of what is familiar. Somehow, even the summer weather in hothothot Florida suddenly becomes not too terrible! Horrors!  Yup, the wall keeps popping up in front of me and the questions start. Did I make the right decision? What am I doing here? I miss my kids. My grandsons. Their hugs and kisses. I miss American coffee. American nine-lane highways. The Today show. GETMEOUTTAHERE! I scream before retreating to my bed for a good cry.

We went back to Florida in October and I was enveloped by two little boys, loads of wet kisses, books read at bedtime, talks shared with my daughter, laughs with my son-in-law, glorious dinners with friends, and girl talk. Boy, was it hard coming back.

Paul’s been sick since we got back to Wales. We cancelled Thanksgiving because he was in such pain. But he’s now recovering and I’m feeling the stress again, having pushed it aside to take care of him. I also faced the end of the first year of my parents’ deaths. That’s always the hardest. So, my turn,  I’ve justified it as being.

I haven’t gone away. Just inside for now. But I’m outside this minute and want to wish all of my loyal readers a wonderful holiday season, whatever your religion, even if you don’t have one. Be good to each other, relish in your family and friendships, and greet the New Year with vigor, prepared to jump in with both feet and to experience all that life throws at you. Hey, even if life gives you parsnips, make soup!

 

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5 Comments leave one →
  1. Paul Seal permalink
    December 4, 2012 1:27 pm

    Boss makes wondeful parsnip soup. Jann is the best wife in the world and I love her deeply. Your blog is fab-lus.

  2. December 4, 2012 3:15 pm

    Thought you were awfully quiet over there. Can I send you coffee?
    Put all of that angst into a best seller – you’ll have to visit the US and Florida multiple times to do signings!
    xxxooo

  3. Hope Jennifer Barron permalink
    December 4, 2012 4:25 pm

    Jann, Here is my two cents: Wales has been an amazing experience and one you can always repeat with a month or two away during the summer. BUT, there really is nothing like being close to family and friends. SO – one of your Florida friends says – we would love to have you back.
    Good luck with the holidays – so very hard with your very recent loss.
    Thinking about you here in FLA and wishing you and Paul a Happy, HEALTHY New Year.
    Hope

  4. Sal permalink
    December 4, 2012 8:35 pm

    *hugs* there’s nothing quite like big wet kisses from grandkids. I’m sorry about “the wall”. I hope it crumbles away so you don’t have to scale it.
    Mantime, christmas is coming and I hope you and Paul have a good time and a very happy new year.

  5. Shira Chiron permalink
    December 5, 2012 12:00 am

    Oh Jan,
    I understand totally what you are living through.I remember that you wrote me a beautiful and uplifting letter when I was grieving and you totally touched my soul.
    I am here for you any time for anything
    Being with family is an irreplaceable pleasure-
    I send you love and hugs,
    Shira

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